In the familiar rhythms of South Asia’s cultural life, the Guru’s utterances illuminate a new way of being. Existing systems are turned upside down, pervasive paradigms are challenged, and understanding is expanded. In that light, we turn this week to Guru Arjan Sahib’s composition, often sung during the handing over of the palla—wedding scarf or hem—during the Anand Karaj.

We might see this through a patriarchal lens, understanding the act of handing the palla to the groom is an act of giving the bride away. We might see it as the bride attaching to the groom as an extension of him. Guru Arjan Sahib expands this existing worldly practice to become trans-worldly. The palla is no longer the hem of the groom. It becomes something vaster: the hem of IkOankar (the One). All seekers as feminine-beings attach to this hem:  

Nanak (signature): Praise, slander, O IkOankar ji! I have let go of all. I have forsaken, I have renounced everything.
I have seen that all relatives are temporary, so I am attached to Your hem.

What are praise and slander but currents that carry our egos? Praise often hides its calculation and transaction. Slander springs from jealousy, fear, anger, anxiety. Together they animate our relationships. We put one another on pedestals. We drag one another down. Especially in our closest bonds, these currents churn beneath the surface. And in these ever-changing currents, our relationships become false or temporary.

To renounce praise and slander is not merely to silence the tongue. It is to quiet the mind. It is to refuse to measure ourselves or others by gain and loss, flattery and blame, whether in thought, word, or action. Guru Arjan Sahib does not speak of passive withdrawal, but of an effortful letting go.

It is only then that we bloom.

The Guru’s insight is tender, not cynical. Worldly relationships are not worthless. They are simply transient. They have seasons. They change shape. They stretch and strain. They are unsteady and unstable. We build up and bruise egos. We act out of an inflated sense of self. In this state, we cannot be free or carefree in our relationships. In our attachment to others, we cannot attach ourselves to the One.

When we are honest about this—when we grow weary of the games of temporary relationships, when we finally seek to be free and carefree—we can rid ourselves of these things that ail us. We can soften. We can come and fall at the refuge of the One who is stable and eternal.

I have seen that all relatives are temporary, so I am attached to Your hem.

What does it mean to grasp the hem of the One? Across traditions, this act is one of humble submission, reverence, and devotion. To hold the hem is to lovingly surrender. To seek refuge. To choose an alliance and a relationship with the One with complete conviction. To trust that the One will lead where we need to go. In a world of ever-changing relationships, this relationship steadies us.

Even in the context of a worldly marriage, regardless of gender, we are all elevated into feminine-beings, seekers of connection with the One. The question beneath the handing off of the palla is no longer: who gives whom away?

It is deeper, quieter, more piercing:

Have we released praise and slander from our minds and tongues?
Have we recognized all other relationships as fleeting?
Will we take refuge in the One?

Will we hold that ‘palla’?

May Wisdom-Guru guide us!