I'm in search of a reason…

I'm in search of an excuse…
I'm in search of a dream…

I'm in search of the wet crevices of a drought prone earth,
I'm in search of the dry corners of an ocean,
I'm in search of a tomorrow which will be mine,
I'm in search of a yesterday of which I am proud of.

My search began even before time was defined, and, may be,
My search will go on and on,
and, even time will get tired of passing on…

I'm in search of stars on earth,
I'm in search of diamonds embedded in the padded sky above,
I'm in search of the point where earth and sky embrace each other.

I'm in search of life in death

Yes, I am in search, still......

This was one of the first poems that I wrote in prose versus rhyme format. It was a unique point of time in my life. I was probably just shy of 20 years, still in the phase when most of us feel and believe we are special, and can move mountains and cross oceans with the power of our thoughts and aspirations. I was restless, restless to find the meaning of my life, and to be honest, I couldn’t even perhaps understand what I was restless for.

Looking back today, I feel I was restless for different reasons at different points in life; restless to find the career I would choose, who I would spend my life with, how my parents’ health would fare after I will leave them, and so forth. However, at this point in my life, when I have gained fulfillment, knowledge and certainty on almost all those fronts, I still feel the restlessness lurking.

The intensity of this search has waned and inflamed through the stages of my life. But now, I know Who I am searching for. I am searching for strengthening my faith in the One Powerful, Who watches over us; Who knows our inner most thoughts and feelings; Who understands what we are truly wishing for; and Who decides whether we are truly good human beings to be deserving enough to expect our wishes to come true.

My Waheguru, how I wish to be closer to You. How I aspire to do away with all rationales and reasoning that make me digress and think I can control my circumstance. How I can be just a good doer and trust that You will take care of the rest. And how I am in a situation because I am just supposed to be in it.

I am still searching for that power to develop within myself... bring me closer to You, my Guru.

Charanbir Kaur serves on SikhRI’s Advisory Council. She is a finance professional and lives in Plano with her family.